Recent dreams

I have a new recurring dream -- that I'm hanging out at an art fair. It's a pretty enjoyable dream. I'm having fun and looking at art and talking to people and enjoying the outdoors. But my favorite on-line dream dictionary does not have an "art fair" entry, and related entried are kind of annoying. They don't respect how much I like art, and how it makes me feel smart and joyful at the same time.

Quotes are from dreammoods.com
"Art Gallery
To dream that you are in an art gallery, signifies disappointing reunions. You struggle to put forth a happy appearance, but in the inside, you yearn to be somewhere else."

This is kind of how I feel about my job lately. The election season is leaving me in a daydream wherein I quit my job and get a low paying but meaningful job helping people get health insurance.

"Joy
To dream that you are joyful, denotes harmony amongst friends and loved ones. "

My first paragraph above made me think to look up this word. This makes a lot of sense. I recently dumped my very last shitty friend, and now all my friends are wonderful and fun and get along with each other.

The entry for artists only talks about if you are the artist, and in this dream I'm the consumer of art, not the creator. Of course, from an economic standpoint, by buying art, I am assisting in its creation. This summer I went to the big art fair in Minneapolis, and I bought a real piece of art, and it felt like one of the most important things I'd done with $100 in a really, really long time. I purchased a piece of pure beauty for my own enjoyment, and put some money in the pocket of a very talented potter.

From "artist", "The picture that you are painting in your dream may symbolize the way that you are visualizing your current situation in your waking life. "

Fun, beauty, all five senses... surrounded by people whose motivations I relate to? Yes, that is how I visualize my personal life lately.

"Fair
To dream that you are at the fair, suggests that you may be regressing into your childhood where times were simpler."

This bugs me because it sounds bad, but since I actually spent my childhood being overly responsible, maybe a little regression is a good thing.

"Music
To hear harmonious and soothing music in your dream, is a good omen of prosperity, pleasure and the expression of your emotions in a positive way. Music serves to heal the soul. "

In the art fair dream I had last night, I was listening to my ipod.

This art fair dream is extra nice because for more than 10 years, at least 3 times a week I dream I'm living in a big house full of furniture and rooms and people of all varieties, and they last for hours. The relationships with the people always feel longstanding but not particularly close. The rooms and furniture are often very detailed and memorable. Sometimes the houses repeat. Sometimes the rooms repeat. I never go outside or look out a window or really do anything. They're not unpleasant, it just felt like I must be stuck in a rut to be having such similar dreams all the time. The art fair dreams are more varied. Last night ipods were being sold with the art. Last week, the fair was actually in an artists colony in a postapocalypse type setting, and I spent hours wandering towards the art fair, and then hours wandering back home. Yeah for my subconscious.

This week I've also dreamt a few times that I was on a date with an African-American man, and he finally tells me that he plans to vote for John McCain, and I feel this deep sorrowful sadness for the world and our common future. Each time he is a different type of guy, too -- young, old, educated, not educated. The irony of Obama not being guaranteed to win black voters, plus my stomach wrenching anxiety over the thought of being taxed on my health benefits... are the inspirations for this dream. Everybody has the right to vote for whomever they wish.

Addiction Miracles

My mom has encouraged me not to get hooked on coffee. My mom has never mocked me harder for anything than not owning a coffee pot. She used to actually say it was bad manners and it made her feel completely ill at ease to spend any time at my house. This regrettable conversation occurred many years ago, before it became socially acceptable to rely on coffee shops for your coffee. Nowadays when coffee-loving people are on their way to my house I just stop somewhere and get the little cardboard cup holder with all their favorite drinks in it, and everybody is grateful I didn't try to make it myself. And over the years my mom has just developed the habit of a. not coming to my house before noon, and b. using a visit to my house as an opportunity to prove she can go a few hours without coffee.

I am a coffee drinker in that I LOVE good coffee and I'm quite snobbish when it comes to what coffee I will actually drink. But I've never been able to tolerate it on a regular basis. The caffeine fries my nerves and I turn into a hyperventilating vomiting mess. But lately...

Lately I can drink decaf TWICE a week -- whoo hoo! AND tea in between. I am trying to not get hooked on caffeine. I'm like still trying to sleep instead, and just use caffeine when the sleep just didn't happen. But you know, I LOVE coffee so there is a bit of a conflict of interest.

So me and my mom were eating pancakes and I whined that I wanted coffee and I thought to myself it's been a long time since we argued about coffee, and now that we're 30 and 50 instead of 20 and 40, I thought it was a good time to ask... "so should I just let myself get hooked, or should I try to avoid that? what do you really think?" And she spoke, in a dead serious way, which she rarely does, "no, don't get hooked. you know I drink it even when it's not good. I like the way it tastes, but I keep drinking it even when I'm sick from already having drank too much."

My own mother advising against coffee makes it seem like anything is possible.

Toast

All I can think about is toast. My eating has been very bad lately. Very emotional. I am of the school that if you want it you should eat it. But eating and eating and eating is not the intended outcome of this school of thought, and that is where my lovely eating compulsion has taken me as of late.

As a note to my future self, whom I'm sure will get out of this funk:

The quinoa-pumpkin muffins I made a few weeks ago were awesome. Pumpkin was a great way to revive the quinoa muffin. I sweetened the batter with pureed apricots (pureed with the water so as not to break the blender). Next time I plan to halve the amount of apricot, and instead add cinnamon and nutmeg and clove and walnuts, to make it more like pumpkin bread. I'm dying to put raisins and shredded carrot in too, but neither of these ingredients is on quinoa day. I might try a dried fruit other than apricots. I'll have to see what is available at the co-op. Figs or dates maybe? Just NOT prunes. Previous attempts to use prunes in my baking were completely gross.

Toast. (Homer-inspired-drooling)

La-la land

I used to be really worried and stressed all the time about everything. It was bad for me, but it really made time management natural and easy. The last couple of years, I've been learning to relax. This was a very healthy move, but I haven't yet learned how to manage time while relaxed. I'm late everywhere, I pay bills late, I'm always rushing to get my food prepared, I don't have time to read or exercise.

I've always had a childish dislike of activities being timed. Like tests especially, I figure if I know it, I know it, and it doesn't really matter how long it takes to pull it out of my brain. And it's always really bugged me on Project Runway how little time they get to plan their design and pick out fabric. I've always thought that things would turn out better if they had more time.

The challenge on the episode last night was to design an outfit for a recent college graduate. Each designer had a young woman and her mother as the "clients." They had 30 minutes to pick out fabric and it suddenly clicked that things are timed because in grown-up land, you can't afford to spend three hours picking out fabric. Your client is paying you to get the job done, and you have lots of other jobs to get done, and there are only so many hours in a day.

So I'm having a new appreciation of the ability to do something quickly and efficiently. It's finally just hit home that time is limited and working efficiently could go a long way to making life more enjoyable. I love watching my hands make rice (one activity I do efficiently.) It goes so smoothly. There are no mistakes or re-do's. It's smooth, thought out and practiced. Compare that to grocery shopping. I spend a lot of time daydreaming about this or that dish, or maybe someday being able to eat such and such food. Or making the smallest decisions like what kind of peanut butter to buy. Thinking over my routine tasks, I think many of them could be made more efficient, and more enjoyable in the process.

Yes, sometimes it's nice to just go off into la-la land and really take a lot of time on something. I just don't need to do that all the time. It makes it hard to have time to do the things I want to do. And actually makes me worry sometimes that it's an escape for me, a way to avoid life's problems.

I fully believe in having unstructured time in which to let my brain ferment and relax and daydream. But I think I can improve my life by being purposeful with this unstructured time. Do it while relaxing near a window. Or doing something creative that I enjoy. At the very least, NOT in the peanut butter aisle.

Things I like

I like it when my sister gives me stuff that used to be hers that she doesn't want anymore. Everytime I use it I get a warm fuzzy. It has my sister in its history, and when she was done with it, she thought of me and thought I would like it. On a even more practical note, the item has been test driven which means I end up using it a lot. Nothing pokey or itchy in the clothes she gives me.

I like vinegre as a cleaning product. Vinegre is single handedly making me the type of person that cleans everything. Which is very good for my environmental allergies. And my very real belief in feng shui. A clean house is obviously good, but vinegre goes above and beyond clean on the feng shui front. It's simple, inexpensive, multi-use and safe for the environment and my person. I can store it anywhere. I like it. As a belonging, it has a big fat gold star.

I like yoga. I am stuck indoors right now due to my allergies. The weather is beautiful and it's that kind of summer that makes all the winter cold okay. But I've had a sore throat from the pollen that hurts so bad I can't sleep at night. I had this problem last summer too. It was stupid to not start getting allergy shots right away. I didn't start until 3 weeks ago. But anyways, I'm stuck inside and I'm really grateful to know more than enough yoga to stay in shape and not go crazy.

Bell Peppers II

The peppers were local, but not organic.

I care more about local than organic. Maybe this makes me a bad environmentalist. An organic vegetable from California sits in a truck for 2-3 days being driven to my grocery store. A local vegetable gets sprayed with pesticide and fungicide, and grows in soil enriched with chemical fertilizers. But then it takes a 2-3 hour drive to my grocery store. Now that I see it in black & white, it seems like the problems with each are of equivalent weight, both for my own health and the environment's health. So I care more about local than organic, but just by a little bit. What tips it towards local is how much better the food tastes. And those extra three days I can leave it in the fridge before it wilts. And supporting the farmer who is trying to help the environment by selling to a local grocery store.

I get in a zone at the grocery store. If it is plump and fresh looking, I buy it. I spent 20 seconds staring at the bucket full of peppers wondering why nobody was buying them. And then bought 8 of them. And feeling weirdly guilty ever since. Or maybe not guilty, but defensive. Or annoyed. Or confused. Ok, I think I'm back to not caring now. Whew.

It's not really a soapbox I want to stand on. I'm definitely okay with giving my customer testimonial, for local, organic, and local-AND-organic. But I will emphasize flavor and convenience right along with health and the environment.

Bell Peppers I

I bought bell peppers at the co-op that are just mind boggling. The brightest and deepest colors I've ever seen in a pepper, and heavy for their weight. That means instead of a thin layer of pepper holding in a lot of air, you have lots and lots of sweet crispy pepper flesh and just enough space on the inside for the seeds.

The Joy of Cooking tells you to buy squash that are heavy for their weight. I tried it and was completely sold. The thicker layer of squash on the inside means you can scoop out big spoons of squash and then scrape the skin, whereas when you buy a squash that is light for its weight, it's all scraping. More work, less squash.

And for these peppers, there is also more pepper for the same amount of slicing. But there is also the novelty and intense pleasure of biting into such an enormously thick slice of pepper.

And it isn't just thick - it's fresh. Because it's local. I'm totally hooked on local. My super simple food preparation methods, necessitated by my food issues, are not a hindrance to me when cooking with very fresh food. It seasons itself. And when I do season it, I need just a pinch.

Red bell peppers taste like strawberries when they're really fresh. Well, they taste like strawberries would taste if the world ended, a time capsule was found, and a Strawberry Shortcake doll was used to re-create the flavor of a strawberry. None of the yucky tartness of a real strawberry.

Although, my bitterness that real strawberries do not taste like a Strawberry Shortcake doll smells, was recently reduced considerably. I got my hands on local strawberries. At first I was kind of pissed off because they were too tart for human consumption. But then I remembered the sugar bowl -- people who didn't grow up with my calorie-phobic parents do this funky thing where they dip fruit in sugar before they eat it. So I got my zylitol and started dunking. Homer-Simpson-inspired-drooling. Much, much more similar to the doll than ordinary strawberries. Though a fresh red bell pepper is still a closer match.