A new crazy

Orthorexia is being obsessed with healthy eating to an unhealthy degree. Persons suffering from this obsession can get so obsessed they become malnourished. It starts out innocently, eating healthier, but instead of being satisfied with a reasonable degree of healthfulness, they keep striving for healthier and healthier, more and more pure or whatever, until it's all they think about.

For over a year I didn't have anything even vaguely junky to eat that I wasn't allergic to. I was so happy when I finally got a junk food back, potato chips. It was definitely a fork in the road. I considered the possibility that it would be healthier to never eat junk food again. But I felt so deprived all the time. I decided it was saner to eat the chips.

I believe strongly that there is such a thing as healthy enough.

I got a few sour faces in my direction while jubiliantly chattering on about potato chips. Like a, "but potato chips aren't healthy" face. It felt like they were disappointed that I was failing to be "perfect" in my pursuit of health.

Then, I got more junk food back (avocado, more fruit, coffee, more nuts, bacon). Then I did some emotional eating related to other health problems. And I gained two dress sizes, going from a size 6 to a size 10. And several of the people I mentioned it to were shocked that I didn't intend to diet it off. I had stopped the emotional eating. In my mind the problem was solved already. Why would I diet back down to size 6? It seems kind of crazy to think like that.

So here is my new theory, and it's based on this experience plus hundreds of other experiences I had on my journey to healthy-enough.

It is an unrealistic goal is to make massive diametrical changes to myself. But if I dislike myself so much that only a diametrical change would make me like myself, then smaller, realistic goals are not worth the effort. But unrealistic (unattainable) goals, don't motivate me to change, so I was stuck.

Where does this idea come from that health and fitness must be perfect? I believe it is because self worth has become bound with health and fitness. The binding to self worth arose from the idea that a woman is only worthwhile if she's attractive, and then with the last 30 years of model culture, a woman is only attractive if she's perfect.